Friday Funnies


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Sometimes what is going through your head, should stay in your head!

Only crooked politicians fear armed citizens.

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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office.

 

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

 

The auditor said, Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.  I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.

 

I'm a great gambler and I can prove it says Grandpa.  How about a demonstration?

 

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, Okay.  Go ahead.

 

Grandpa says, I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.

 

The auditor thinks a moment and says, It's a bet.

 

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.  The auditor's jaw drops.

 

Grandpa says, Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.

 

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

 

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

 

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand - with Grandpa's attorney as a witness.  He starts to get nervous.

 

Want to go double or nothing? Grandpa says, I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.

 

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

 

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

 

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

 

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

 

Are you okay? the auditor asks.

 

Not really, says the attorney.  This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it

Neat

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Medical Distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is No difference in the outcome - both are fatal!........................

..........................
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If you ever see a man with hairy ears...bear this in mind.....

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.

She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully
placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody." The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.
The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."

"Whom is the third rose from?" she asked. "Oh," says the doctor,
"that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to
thank you for his new ears."

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The Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a
number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife
that he had a terrible compulsion. He had this urge to stick his
penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should
see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd
be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day, a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge
to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

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Sometimes what is going through your head, should stay in your head!

Only crooked politicians fear armed citizens.

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I don't drink alcohol, I drink distilled spirits; so I am not an alcoholic... I am spiritual
Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the 
Government take care of him; better take a closer look at the American Indian!" .

 

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ugly dogs Said:

Hahahahah,  that cop smoked his dumb ass,  I could watch this for hours

                                                                                                                         

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WormWiggler Said:

ugly dogs Said:

Hahahahah,  that cop smoked his dumb ass,  I could watch this for hours

Is that what you call whoop Assss.   That shot would make the highlight reel on any NFL game

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A few years back when we were in church the minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, 'And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.'

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood up and asked for any requests for the closing song, not being willing to pass that one up I bellowed out, nearly laughing, Lets sing 'Shall We Gather at the River!!.'

Ya we don't go to that church anymore....

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my new favorite.

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Good shtuff.

Born to hunt and fish... Forced to work!

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I don't drink alcohol, I drink distilled spirits; so I am not an alcoholic... I am spiritual
Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the 
Government take care of him; better take a closer look at the American Indian!" .

 

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Missing person
Boy on the milk carton style
Last seen wearing a honey yellow sleeveless t , purchasing water softener salt at a local economy store , screaming your all so VANILLIA and
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If you've seen me don't approach but notify authorities please
5-19-05 River Eyes

I don't drink alcohol, I drink distilled spirits; so I am not an alcoholic... I am spiritual
Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the 
Government take care of him; better take a closer look at the American Indian!" .

 

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I don't drink alcohol, I drink distilled spirits; so I am not an alcoholic... I am spiritual
Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the 
Government take care of him; better take a closer look at the American Indian!" .

 

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Your welcome.

I dont go around guessing cup sizes either I just know a nice rack when I see one.

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Gee thanks DB , now I'm going to have to wait an hour or more before I leave my desk
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I don't drink alcohol, I drink distilled spirits; so I am not an alcoholic... I am spiritual
Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the 
Government take care of him; better take a closer look at the American Indian!" .

 

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doublebarrelsaloon Said:
Your welcome.

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Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...  


Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark  said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.


"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.


"Well done, son!  Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."    
And they did.


"Now we eat everybody."  
And they did.


When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?   Why did we swim around and around them?"


His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the shit out of them first!"  
 


No need to thank me.  I just try to learn something new every day.

Neat

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“Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.” ~ Mark Twain

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